A Hamster Wheel and the Brick Wall

I am a 39 year-old mother of 3 who is recovering from anorexia. I have been at a healthy weight for one year now. But, I still have ED thoughts and some behaviors (excessive exercise). I didn't develop anorexia until I was 37. But, low self-esteem and body image distortion actually have plagued me my whole life. It wasn't until I was 37 that these feelings were channeled into anorexia.

I am tall and have always been very athletic. So my physique is naturally on the larger side from all of the exercise I have done over the years. Because I do not have a petite frame I have always felt inferior to and less desirable than women of a smaller stature. My "saving grace" in high school was that I broke track records and was voted MVP in almost every sport I played. My "athleticism" was my safety net throughout those years. That is how I held on to any feelings of self worth.

I remained active all the way up until I had children. Then, my physical activity became less than sporadic. Not by choice though. It happened because I had very little help raising my children when they were younger. Time constraints and sleep deprivation interfered with my desire to exercise. Hence, I gained weight to a level that I was not satisfied with, albeit still within the "norm" for my height, just not the norm I was used to before kids. As a result, the only trait that I felt gave me self worth (my athleticism) was gone.

For 5 years after my last child was born, I felt overweight and worthless. However, once she entered school, I found I had more time for myself and I was getting much needed sleep. As a result, I started losing weight and started feeling better about myself. I was getting several compliments from friends and strangers alike. People were stopping me at the mall, asking me what I did to stay so fit. I was excited, my feelings of self worth came back. However, my family started to tell me I was losing too much weight and I was too thin. Because at that point, I was at the weight I had been at in college - a weight that no one had any problems with then - I thought my family was being spiteful, trying to hold me back (there is a history of that which is too lengthy to include here). So, in a childish manner, I held on restricting my diet even more and exercising even harder.

The weight kept coming off and I kept going. I lost my period (and still have not gotten it back even though I have been at a healthy weight for one year now). My hair started to fall out, my speech was slurred, my motor control slowed and became inexact, among other things. It was all I could do to function daily and maintain composure when my body was in that state. Everyone was screaming for me to stop, but again, I kept going.

I came upon recovery by accident. We went to visit my parents in another state. Left without control over what I ate (because the stores in the other state didn't have my comfort foods) and when I ate (I was dependent upon my parents as hosts), I started to gain weight. At that time I calmed myself with the thought that when I returned home I would be able to resume my restricting habits. But, instead, the increase caloric consumption started an uncontrollable need to eat. As my nutritionist called it "fueling the fire" - meaning that the increase in calories kicked in my metabolism signaling an undeniable need to eat.

Because I couldn't control my eating, I exercised harder. But despite all of the exercise, I kept gaining to the point I am at now, which is in the healthy range. Although the weight has normalized, my frame of mind hasn't. I am getting exhausted by these ED thoughts. I feel like I am running in a hamster wheel that has been shoved hard up against a brick wall. I want out and to move forward, but I am locked in and blocked out.

I am much healthier than I was a year ago. I do feel these thoughts easing. And I am coming to grips with my new weight. It just is not happening as fast as I would like.

Image from Flickr: www.flickr.com/photos/williamallthing/21172939/