Battling Social Body Image

by S A JOHNSON
(Reno, NV, USA)

I have been fat all my life. By the time I was in fourth grade I weighed 165 lbs. I was never really teased about my weight, but the older I got the more pressure I felt from my family to look prettier and be thinner so that I could land a boyfriend/future husband.

I would constantly try to lose weight. But once I reached a certain weight loss, I would purposely sabotage it because people would notice that I was losing weight and it would freak me out.

The reason I was so afraid to be noticed is because I’ve always feared that people would like me better thinner. Everyone makes this big fuss about how wonderful being thin is and how they finally found the guy or girl of their dreams, how they make better friends and things like that. And even though I know that socially I’m nowhere near being an ideal candidate for ... anything really ... it makes me feel like I’m not enough.

Everyone wants to be liked for who they are and for people to like me more because of what I look like really agitates me. The idea of someone you’ve known for a while suddenly expressing interest in you because you’re no longer the fat friend ... People making a fuss over how good you look as if you’re so unbearable now when you're not skinny. It makes me not want to lose weight.

At the same time, having people feel like they have to watch what they say in fear of hurting your feelings or offending you, and having people act strange and make glances at you while they are talking about guys or girls because in their mind, you can’t relate to them. Even knowing that I can relate, the fact that they look at me that way…it makes me feel like I’m ugly because that’s how they must see me, or else they wouldn’t act that way.

But after obsessively trying to lose and then obsessively eating my weight back, I have finally decided that I will lose weight not to be more attractive but because the truth is, if I eat right and exercise, I will be healthier. I don’t want to become a heart attack patient at forty.

So I have joined Weight Watchers and I think this is the best idea I’ve ever had because it provides so much support. And knowing that I truly am doing this for me makes me really happy. Interestingly, I have not had any ideas of sabotage the entire three months that I have been in the program.