College Athlete

by J.L.
(USA)

My eating disorder started when I went to college. I received an athletic scholarship to a division one school. My grades had always been good when I was in high school. I had a lot of friends, and I had a pretty good relationship with my parents.

When I got to college, there was no structure. Suddenly I could do what I wanted when I wanted. I made friends in my hall, some were athletes and some weren't. We had a pretty rigorous practice schedule, but it still left me lots of time to party.

I always made sure to finish my studies before going out with my friends. Practice came first though, and coach was really hard on us to keep up with our skills and working out when we weren't practicing.

I remember one time coach made a comment in front of the whole team about how it looked like someone in particular was taking the "freshman fifteen" seriously. Then coach looked right at me. I was mortified. She used her little exercise to put us through even more drills, and I got blamed for it.

That night I was back in my dorm room. I couldn't move. depression warning signs were setting in. I wouldn't study. I wouldn't open the door. I wouldn't talk to anyone.

The next morning my friends came to get me for breakfast and I refused to go. My whole life felt like it was falling apart. But I never skipped practice. I couldn't lose my scholarship.

After a few days of feeling pity for myself and barely eating a thing, I picked myself up and went to the track. I ran and ran and ran. It felt so good. I didn't want to stop. After running for a long time, I did the stadium steps. And day after day, no matter how hard we'd practiced, I did the same thing.

People began to notice how dedicated I was. I was barely eating anything at this point, living mostly on energy drinks. I chewed gum to get through the times when I felt hungry. But eventually, I didn't even feel it anymore.

People started commenting on how good I looked. Some of the girls on the team even said they wished they had my muscles. One one hand it felt really good. But on the other I was like, "What? What muscles? I look like a flabby little girl!"

I stopped going out with my friends. Between practice and studying and miles of running and doing steps, I had no time. And I had to get rid of the fat. I was obsessed with it. I saw it everywhere.

Then I went home for Spring Break. My mom was horrified at the sight of me. She couldn't understand why I wouldn't sit down for a meal with the family, and she couldn't understand why I went running for hours on end. She mentioned something about me having anorexia symptoms. It was the first time me actually having an eating disorder occurred to me. But I refused to think about it.


I remember leaving home and saying goodbye to my mom. She started to cry and told me she didn't want me to die. All I did was turn my back and leave.

By the time I got home from my first year in college, I had lost more than 30 pounds. I was average weight when I'd left for college, so this was pretty drastic. My mother put me on the scale as soon as I got home and that's when she started talking about eating disorder treatment centers.

I panicked. I wanted to run. And that's what I did - for hours. When I finally got home, my mom had made some calls. A few days later she came to me with my bag packed and made me get in the car. She told me if I didn't go, she was calling school and would have them revoke my scholarship. If I wanted to go back to school and keep playing, I would have to go with her. I went to a treatment center and had to face my eating disorder.

It was awful. But it was the best thing my mom could have done. I learned that I did have anorexia symptoms, and I was also a compulsive overexerciser. I learned all about the medical complications that come along with severe eating disorders. I was already having the physical effects of anorexia nervosa, and even though I didn't want to admit it, I was also having psychological effects of eating disorders.

The eating disorders statistics they talked about at the eating disorder treatment center really scared me.

I got treatment for my eating disorder. I wasn't 100% free of anorexia when I went back to school, but I had a lot of support and counselors at school to help me.

Through the years I struggled on and off with symptoms of eating disorders. I've had relapses, but none of them have been as bad as that first year in college. At times I've struggled with compulsive overeating, and sometimes with what my therapist says is purging disorder. But I've always been able to get it under control pretty quickly by going back to see my therapist.

I hope some day I won't struggle with food addiction again. But for now, this is a much better place than it was in that first year of college.