Eating Disorders, Perfectionism and Control

by Wendy Sheppard, MSW
(Ambler, PA)

I was always a good kid. I followed rules, didn't give my parents many problems. I was a good friend too. I would do anything for anyone. I was even pretty good at anticipating people's needs, lending a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on as soon as a friend realized they needed one. Most people would have described me as confident. I didn't much care about what other people thought (at least that's what people would have said about me). I seemed to be secure in my opinions. I excelled at everything I did, whether it was sports, school, acting, sports medicine.

But on the inside I felt horrible. I hated myself, hated my body, thought I was stupid, and generally felt like I didn't fit in. I didn't feel confident at all - I always felt like there were others who were better than I was. It didn't matter if I got a 98 on an exam. Someone always did better, and that's what I focused on. Self-esteem clearly didn't live in the same zip code as I did.

I didn't have any close friends, even though I had a lot of friends. No one really "got" me. But if you asked my high school friends now, they would say I had tons of friends. I never felt like that. As a teenager, this was one of the hardest psychological effects of eating disorders.

Nothing I ever did was good enough for me. I was a perfectionist. So whenever I did anything, I couldn't ever do it good enough because it wasn't perfect. I would focus on the one, minor flaw ... something no one else probably even noticed ... and that took away any good feelings I could have about what I did.

I hated my body. It's funny - my parents recently said they knew I felt like I was fat when I was a kid. But their impression was I was "normal." I didn't feel normal. I always felt too big. I didn't care if my "too big" was all muscle ... or mostly muscle. I was still too big compared to everyone else.

I didn't feel like I had control over anything in my life. That also had a lot to do with the perfectionist piece. If I didn't do it good enough (whatever "it" was), then I failed and that felt out of control. While I would do things for other people, it never seemed like it was enough. And so again, I felt out of control.

My eating disorder was my way of gaining back control of my life. Unfortunately, as is always the case with eating disorders, that control is illusive. I thought I was in control, when really, the eating disorder was in control of me. It didn't help me to feel any better about myself ... in fact, it made me feel worse.

I think eating disorders really could be classified as psychological eating disorders. So much of it is psychological ... emotional ... mental. Unfortunately, we tend to downplay this part of eating disorders. At least that is my experience.