Finding balance between the extremes of denial and indulgence.

by Vishal Katore
(New york)

I had this eating disorder for 3 years. The reason no one know about the anorexia is because I was like that in the summer of 97 (see anorexia symptoms and What is Anorexia?). I can tell you it won't go away on its own - it just causes you more physical (see physical effects of anorexia nervosa), emotional, social and psychological problems (see psychological effects of eating disorders).

During the winter of 1991, I began experiencing chronic digestion problems. The main symptoms I experience when this occurs are that I get very bloated after meals and sometimes feel like I have a rock in my stomach. I become very lethargic, low-energy, and depressed. I am not sure whether, when this occurs, there is some sort of obstruction to the food's passage, but digestion is obviously very disturbed and seriously slowed if not virtually halted at times. When it first began, I would sometimes get these awful-tasting burps like food was rotting in my gut.

My senior year in high school, I was on the honor society, a valuable member of the track team, well-liked by all my friends, I lived in a comfortable middle-class home, and seemed to have had a pleasantly normal childhood. Regardless of all the comfort one would think I possessed as a result of my upbringing, I was uncomfortable in my own body. I hated myself. I thought I was fat and as a result I had very low self esteem. I just had this idea that all anorexics have which is, everything will be fine if I'm thinner. It wasn't something I planned but that year in high school I became anorexic.

I also wanted to write about the first time I ever purged. I was very traumatized over an incident that happened to me a month earlier with a young man. I was going to restaurants with a friend who had bulimia nervosa for five years when we met. She was trying to teach me how to purge. I watched her and tried to copy her techniques but I wasn't able to do it. I finally bought some ipecac syrup. It worked but I felt like my heart was going to burst (see medical complications of eating disorders). Needless to say I continued to try to purge myself. I remember the first time I was able to raise the undigested food from my stomach. I was so happy I was crying.