I always see myself the same

by jessica
(alaska)

I'm 26 now and I still remember the first time someone weighed me in middle school. I was 4'11 and 140 pounds, but had no idea if that was too much or too little. And I didn't really care. That is, until I heard the other girls ... and they all weighed less than me.

I figured maybe I could lose a little weight.

I tried weird things, like only eating Parmesan cheese or only eating on the weekends. With all the weird things I did, I lost 10lbs over the course of the summer. So, I figured I could probably lose 10 more and then 10 more.

By the time I was 18, I was 5'6 and 102lbs, but I still couldn't get rid of my belly fat that I saw, and continue to see to this day. Every time I look in the mirror, I see myself as short and 140lbs.

I think i weigh about 127 now, but I can't own a scale anymore or I become obsessed over it. I see my husband and my kids eating food and candy or cheeseburgers and watching their faces after they're stuffed and satisfied, knowing I will never feel that way. I would love to go to a restaurant and finish all the food on my plate or enjoy a piece of cake without thinking about my stomach getting bigger or how long I won't be able to eat after this meal.

I wonder if I'm going to be 40 and still crying if I can't wear my clothes from high school that I still wear now. I wonder when I can see this skinny woman that my husband's friends see or the girl that has lost weight that my friends talk about. I'd just like to see the me that others see.