In Secret

by Anne Michelle
(Kansas)

Ballet was the defining element in my life. Starting at age four I lived for ballet, and by the time I was 12, I was at the ballet studio almost every night of the week. I loved dancing, and I was a talented dancer, but at already 5'9" and a size 12, I certainly wasn't blessed with a willowy ballet physique.

Then, during the winter of my 7th grade year I became ill and had to be hospitalized. After a month I had naturally lost a considerable amount of weight. When I returned to school and dance, all my friends, and even a few of my dance instructors, complemented me on my figure. For the first time, I began to obsess about my size.

I read a biography of a famous ballerina where she talked about her anorexia symptoms, and I consciously set out to be anorexic, but I couldn't do it. I felt guilty for not having the will-power to go without food, but then I stumbled upon bulemia.

I began tentatively with only mild bulimia signs, only purging or taking laxatives after a particularly large meal. But with the rigors of dance combined with the challenges of high school, I found myself spiraling into the cycle of binging and purging on an almost-daily basis.

Because I spent so much time at the ballet studio, my family was largely oblivious, and I became very crafty at hiding my binges. I could make myself throw up with just the slightest touch to my tongue. My parents, ballet teachers, and peers praised my compulsive exercising. I was on the honor roll, excelling in ballet, and miserable.

My senior year I suffered an injury which forced me to quit ballet. I entered into a depression like nothing I had ever known (see depression warning signs and women and depression), and my bulemia changed. I continued binge eating, but I was no longer compelled to purge and I couldn't exercise for even a few minutes, let alone a period of hours like I had before.

It was only when I started gaining weight that my parents finally noticed something was wrong. I got eating disorder treatment, counseling, all during college, and I became very honest and vocal about my struggle. I confided in my best friends and told them when I was tempted to eat large amounts of food so they could support me.

I think I will always struggle with body issues and be tempted by my bulemia safety net, but I am making it, and I know now that I am more than my body, more than my size, more than the disease ... the eating disorder that controlled me for so long.