My Eating Disorder Experience

by Dani

I'm not going to go into the full details of my eating disorder as I don't really want to talk about why I developed an eating disorder. I try to block it out. I hope you'll understand that...

I currently suffer with anorexia symptoms. I restrict a lot or in other words under eat. I have gone days without eating a thing (fasting). It made me feel so in control and happy, but on the down side, it dragged me down.

I had so many depression warning signs - I didn't feel like going out, I was constantly crying. I felt so alone and suicidal. I was definitely suffering from the physical effects of anorexia nervosa - not eating made me feel so weak drained and basically not with it. I constantly blacked out, which is pretty scary stuff.

One day I only drank 2 small cups of coffee, and I mean small. I was scared I'd put on weight. The next morning I felt extremely weak. I got down the stairs then collapsed, smacking my head on the work top and I laid there, crying on the floor.

I didn't want anyone to know, as the first thing they would say is it's because you're not eating. So got up, which was a bad idea as I collapsed a second time, thudding on the floor, smacking my head again on the door frame. I just sobbed on the floor. Mum came running to me. I'd never been so scared in my life!! She said I'll end up in hospital....

It started off with just not eating all day and having chicken and vegetables for my dinner.
I cut off from my family and didn't wanna eat with them,I so sat and ate alone. Then I went from eating a meal to a 10 calorie cup of soup a day.

I lost a lot of weight, the the weird thing is, the more weight I lost, the more depressed I became. I felt so worthless, fat and ugly. I wanted to die.

Everyday was a constant battle. I was continually having nightmares of me binge eating.

This eating disorder is so hard. It makes me so depressed and angry. I've tried to kill myself many times. This eating disorder is ruining my life. It hurts so bad to see that I hurt my family.

I also used to abuse laxatives, which was a bad idea. It just made me feel so rough and very dehydrated, and I was only abusing my body and not helping with weight loss. I over exercised big time until I blacked out or felt extremely weak. I was fat. I needed to be thin, and I didn't care if it killed me. As long as I died thin, who cared?


I don't fast anymore as it makes me feel so ill and weak. But I still have anorexia symptoms. I restrict a hell of a lot and over exercise everyday. I do try my hardest not to purge as used to purge blood, which isn't good at all. But I have relapsed a few times but so far. I haven't done it for months now, but I do still hate myself more and more every time i eat.

Today I still struggle a hell of a lot. Even eating a bowl of cereal - I feel sooo guilty I want to die and I feel suicidal. The only way I cope is to cut myself (self harm), which most of you will never understand. But please don't judge.

I wish I could make it through, but it's just so hard!! Everyday I just wish I was like any other normal person, but I keep having to tell myself ... no one's perfect, no one's normal!!

Just to let you all know, eating disorders are NOT a lifestyle. I wish people would stop saying it!!! (Referring to the pro ana or pro mia "lifestyle" and thinspiration ... "lifestyles" which KILL people.)

It's VERY dangerous and WILL kill you if don't get help!

It rules your life. It definitely rules mine. Food is on my mind 24/7. The guilt is terrible. It makes you feel so suicidal, making you not want to live anymore because you're not good enough/thin enough. I even have nightmares that I'm binge eating.

Food scares me so much. At one point in my life, aged 16, thinking and smelling of food made me feel so sick I couldn't touch it!!

I eat very little now and still feel so sick. I'm constantly blacking out still, but at the moment my eating disorder keeps me going, so please don't judge me.

All I ever wanted in life is to be happy!!

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If you are suicidal, please call a suicide hotline. In the US, you can call 1-800-SUICIDE or 1-800-448-3000.