My Eating Disorder Story

by Kim Ratcliffe
(British Columbia, Canada)

My name is Kim Ratcliffe, I am 48 years old, married (2nd marriage) to a wonderful man who loves "me" for me & not my body size! I have 3 children 21, 18, & 17. I have been recovered from anorexia for 15 years & had my eating disorder on and off for 20 years. I live in British Columbia, Canada.
 
My eating disorder began when I was 15 or 16, but at that time, I did not know that was what I had. I just thought it was the "norm". I rarely ate breakfast, lunch was a bag of chips, but I did eat dinner. I remember always watching what I ate, although I was never overweight. But for me, the one thing I had was my thinness. I always thought my thinness would bring me happiness, love and friends. I realize now, how wrong I have been. At the time, the other teenagers I knew were in "awe" of me because I was so thin. Little did they know how much I did not like who I was and that I starved myself.

I remember one instance that stands out. It was my graduation year and I had a bet with another girl on "who would weigh 100 pounds." Unfortunately, I won, but at the time I felt so good about it, I was proud of what I had accomplished. I was married young so things pretty much stayed the same as far as eating, I would watch what I ate, but also treated myself. I did go to several exercise classes a week to lose weight, but keep in mind I was never overweight. The only time I really ate without thinking about it, so-to-speak, was when I was pregnant, but, I ate for the baby, not me!

Now we come to the time when my anorexia became very present. It was March 1994, I was 34 years old, and it was on my oldest son’s 5th birthday. I woke up that morning, looked at myself in the mirror and said “I am fat. It's time to go on a diet.” There were so many things that were out of control at this time! I had to have a hysterectomy, (I wanted more children) which I didn't want, my (then) husband lost his job and overall just felt stressed to the max. However I knew I could lose weight, I had the power and something I had control over. No one could make me eat. I had a goal weight set in my mind, and I did succeed in getting there. I began with the “Ultra Slim Fast” diet, the drink. I would have that for breakfast, a light lunch and dinner. I did this for a few months. Then I just began drinking coffee for most of my day (I used it as a “filler”), but I would eat some dinner.

As time went on all I would have is coffee, a few crackers and some cheese, allowing myself only 100 calories a day or less. I would weigh myself several times a day. By August of that year, I found out that my family physician was moving to relocate. I was crushed!! I had heard that there was usually something that throws you over to the “other side” so-to-speak, and this was it for me. We had a nice relationship.

You also just don’t wake up one morning and say “gee I think I will become anorexic.” I started out in control of my eating but by now the eating disorder had control over me!!! I decided if I lost more weight and became sicker he would stay, I was wrong of course, he still left. When I was in therapy I realized what his relationship meant to me and how I took it. In my opinion, everyone has deep, core issues, because FOOD is NOT THE ISSUE, my big issue was abandonment, as I discovered in therapy.

About this time I began using the laxatives as a way to lose weight. My weight became lower and lower. Friends began to comment on how good I looked, which I enjoyed hearing. However, they didn’t know what was going on with me. It starts out as a huge secret (or it did for me) but in the end the secret is revealed.

I was now introduced to the new doctor taking over. I had quite the attitude with her. She informed me that she would only be there a week and then was off for a month due to a prior commitment. So, I left the office and said to the receptionist (who at the time was the only person I felt safe talking to) “I will be 85 lbs. when she gets back.” We are now in October and true to my words that is what I weighed when she got back. By now I had no interest in friends, I wasn’t sleeping, and I was cold all the time, exhausted beyond belief, of course not eating and now having heart pains. I always cared for my children; they were always fed very well, just not me.

It was about 2 weeks before my new doctor was due back and I call it my “bottom out” period. I was still using laxatives, but this time, I could not make it to the bathroom and I went everywhere. I was so ashamed and felt so guilty. I called up the receptionist and said “I think I need help.” By now most of my friends and my (then husband) thought I was anorexic, told me so, but I didn’t believe them until that moment when I spoke with the receptionist. I was soooooooooo tired of hearing the voices in my head saying “don’t eat this, don’t eat that, if you do eat, you MUST get rid of it, the more weight you lose the happier you will be, I am your only friend.” I was tired of fighting and I wanted out.

When the doctor got back I went to see her and said “I need help.” That night I told my (then husband) what was happening and that I would be going into the hospital the next day, I did. I was scared to death of what would happen to me, but never realizing till much later how sick I really was. I remember drinking those little juices, and crying for 10 minutes. I felt so ashamed and so guilty, I was a bad person. I was there for 9 days.

In November I had an assessment with the eating disorder doctor there. To this day I still remember him asking me to push my hands and feet against him and him saying “at 34 you have the muscle tone of a 9 year old.” It still freaks me out when I see this, not realizing how ill I really was.

In January 1995 I went into the in-patient program at St. Paul’s Hospitals eating disorder program for adults. I was there for 3 weeks and I learned a lot about myself and my eating disorder. It was a difficult time there. But it wasn’t until April of 1995 that I decided to do their 3 month out-patient program. This gave me my “quick start” as I like to call it, on how to not only learn to eat again, but of course looking more into my issues and learning “new tools” on how to handle my anorexia. When I left there I felt so good and so much more in control.

It was there that I met a wonderful woman, a nurse clinician named Linda Lauritzen, within the eating disorder program. She was the one I began to trust and new about my abandonment issues and promised to help me through them. I was also introduced to my therapist, whom I saw for 5 years, Lynn Redenbach. Both of these women I credit to my recovery. They were both there, to support me and work with me and never gave up on me!!

After the out patient program I was up and down for about 2 years, then one day I had a major break through again. I was in Linda’s office very anorexic and I said to her “why can’t you just accept me the way I am, anorexic.” She said she would never do that, that she would be there for me, support me but would never support anorexia. I began crying and could feel myself come out and the anorexia leaving. I believe I was so afraid of losing Linda in my life (remember I have abandonment issues) that I finally “heard” what she was saying and everyone else around me.

It was from this point on (1997) that I have never looked back. I began eating my meals, gaining weight, yes freaking out about it, but dealing with it in therapy. I was able to discover the issues that needed to be looked at, deal with them, and find out who I was and in time learn to love myself.

To this day, I am still doing great. Do I have bad and good days, of course, I am human. But I also know that when I am having a bad day, it’s a red flag for me to look at what is going on around me, what could be bothering me. These days do not happen often anymore!!!

I have finally learned to love me, that I am a good person, that I don’t need to be thin in order to be loved (which is what I thought), that I do deserve to be loved and can love back. This is the happiest I have ever been in my life. I have learned that the number on the scale means nothing (by the way I do not own a scale), its what is inside that counts. There are days I still have body image issues, but I am able to work through them.

My husband, Tom, is wonderful and very supportive. He has helped me understand relationships better, communicate more, not being afraid to feel or say what I feel, and knowing that I can rely on myself for my needs. My abandonment issues are next to gone now as I am able to depend on myself. I will never go back to where I was, I have worked too hard for where I am today to give that back to anorexia. And in a strange way now, I see my eating disorder differently, not as an enemy, not necessarily as a friend, but as something that has brought me to where I am today, because if I had not gone through what I did, I would not have learned about myself and grown as a person. For that I am thankful.

My life is good now, fulfilled. I don’t count calories or fat. I eat what I want when I want. I have learned that in order to do the things I love in life, whether that be work or my hobby’s or walking or just spending time with my family, I have to eat. I have to give my body “fuel”, and that is with food. When I feed my body, in return it gives me the energy to do the things I love. This is the happiest I have ever been in my life and how ironic, the most I have ever weighed.

Don’t give up the recovery fight. It's possible to be in recovery-it takes a lot of hard work, determination, strength, but it is so worth it. Living without anorexia is such a wonderful feeling, and an even better feeling, knowing I have control of my life! 

I have a website which is based on my personal journey and my journal writings. You can see it at http://www.angelfire.com/oh3/anorexia.