My Eating Disorder Troubled Me

by karthik selvakumar
(Ponmalaitatti)

My eating issues started when I was dancing in high school. I went through a phase of very restrictive, constant dieting, and as I got more and more fed up with ballet and the ballet school environment, I became something of an emotional overeater (see compulsive overeating). I think it was kind of an "eff you" gesture and also a way for me to deal with stress.

My metabolism was able to handle the binge eating for quite a while without me gaining much weight, so no one gave me negative feedback to keep that habit from getting ingrained.

Then in my freshman year of college, depression hit me pretty hard (see depression warning signs and
women and depression for more information). Just on its own, it made me feel terrible about myself, but it also wreaked havoc on my sleep schedule, my eating habits, and my metabolism...all of which resulted in me gaining twenty-five pounds in the span of two months.

Purging was and is the behavior I struggled the most with. My diagnosis was EDNOS.

I think I knew I had a problem from the beginning. I was almost looking for a way to punish and diminish myself, and it helped me say I am not okay. So it's not like I was thinking that everything was fine and what I was doing was healthy and great.


Strangely, it was only when I was at my sickest that I questioned whether I had a problem, because having a serious problem would have meant I warranted attention and concern, and I didn't think I was worth that.

Recovery isn't a finished process, but it's not a full-time thing anymore. A turning point was when I could see that there really couldn't be any going back -- back to what? Doctors and therapists and months in front of the mirror without being able to work or study, without any movement towards my dreams? Nope.

Eating disorder symptoms do not just end; for me it got a lot better pretty quickly once I got on antidepressants, though I've had my share of relapses since then. But each relapse has been a little easier to bounce back from. Most of the time now I am really happy with myself and my life, and I actually have a healthier attitude toward food, exercise, body image, etc. than I did in pre-eating disorder days.

For those dealing with disordered eating: You will never reach a point where you might as well keep getting sicker. Recovery is hard and sometimes scary, but a million times better than being sick. Also, relapse does NOT mean you are back where you started. You are still moving forward. Just pick yourself up as soon as you can.