My Wake up Call - swimsuit shopping & body image

by Vera
(Troy, MI, USA)

My body image has never been great. I have always struggled with the compulsory 15-20 lbs. It all came to light when I was in the 9th grade.

It was the summer of 9th grade, and I needed a swimsuit for the days on the beach. A friend and I went to a local mall to see if we could find me a swim suit. After 3 hrs of every suit looking absolutely disgusting on me, we decided to visit another mall where we spent another 2 hrs looking, with the same result. I wore a size 14 in clothes, so naturally only the moo moo's or plus size fashions fit. It was 1985 and the styles were definitely limited.

Needless to say we went home empty handed. After my friend left, I went into the bathroom and disrobed to my bra and underwear and stood in front of the full length mirror. I began to cry, and screamed a bunch of expletives at myself, "You fat, ugly -itch! What the hell are you living for? If this is what you look like now, you may as well just kill yourself."

That's when things changed.

Fast forward to current day, and I'm a size 6-8. It's still a struggle, but I manage. The minute I slip where I can no longer fit my size 6's, I refocus and get back on the bandwagon of eating healthy and watching my weight.

I think my self image will always be negative. I recently lost 17 lbs and when I look at myself in the mirror, I still see the girl with the extra 17 lbs.