Pressure to be Thin

by D
(London)

My story begins when I moved abroad to study at university (aka "uni"). I gained weight and hated the reactions of people to my weight gain. Everybody would comment on how it looked good on me and that the very needed weight gain turned me into a young lady. My reaction was blah blah. I got pissed off and wanted lose weight. And that is when all the chaos started. This was 4 years back.

Why wouldn't they just stay quiet about my weight gain and not make any comments? I might not even feel like I changed in appearance, because I was never obsessed with myself until then.

Initially I started to exercise and eat less. I lost all the weight and was back to my usual healthy weight. I don't know why, but it was not enough for me. I wanted to lose more weight and have a "perfect" figure. People would always talk about my successes at school and college and I wanted them to make comments like how skinny I look, etc.

I would diet all year long then I would engage in binge eating when I was out with friends and then I would starve myself for weeks and spend hours at the gym (see anorexia symptoms and bulimia signs).

Then I found out about purging 3 years back. I would binge and purge or just purge regular meals a few times in a month (see purging disorder). Then it got more frequent until finally I would binge and purge a few times in a day (see bulimia nervosa for more information).

This is where I am at today. I am constantly battling with obsessions in my mind (see psychological effects of eating disorders), fighting against the mirror that is telling me I am fat even though I am just a little bit below my healthy weight. If I could just control this eating disorder, I would feel like I have won the most horrible war ever.

Isn't it true, the most difficult battle is always against oneself? And the best victory is to win this battle over self. To control our own minds, this is true glory.