Thanksgiving Day

by Finley
(Surprise, AZ, USA)

My eating disorder started at an average age as eating disorders go, early high school. I was very late to lose my baby fat, so as I entered high school I saw myself suddenly becoming more attractive to males as well as gaining friends that I deemed better in my head because they were thin and pretty. At this point it was all my body's natural process, thinning out and shifting weight to different areas of my body.

I saw myself becoming thinner and thinner and I loved it because it gave me the attention any 14 year old girl could ask for. I decided that maybe I could help it along by adjusting what I ate throughout the day. First I started bringing only a zip top bag full of Rice Krispies for lunch everyday. That portion slowly declined until I was eating nothing from the time I woke up in the morning to the time I got home from school.

I began to do some binge eating
when I got home as I was usually the first one of my family home. I would then sleep through dinner and wake up the next day and do it all over again.

At this point in my life and my disorder, I never assigned it a name. I thought I was just eating the way I wanted to eat and that was fine. I read about eating disorders symptoms in my health class and although the information sounded familiar, I never really put it together in my head. It was basically a vanity issue during high school because all of a sudden I wasn't the ugly duckling anymore and I never wanted that feeling to stop.

Sophomore year of high school I got more involved, joined the swim team and the track team and I realized I could eat whatever I wanted and never gain an ounce. In fact, I was still dropping weight. My high school career continued like this until I graduated and went to college.

College brought an entirely new set of problems. Suddenly there was a sorority that I longed to belong in and five beautiful girls wherever I turned. I was suddenly just a fish in the sea, no longer the prettiest fish in the small lake.

I wasn't playing sports anymore, but the climate I had moved to along with the amount of walking I did every day kept my eating habits normal until Thanksgiving of sophomore year. My roommate had gone home for the week, but I chose to stay because I had a big project to work on. That weekend, I watched a particular episode of a show on TV that dealt with eating disorders. I thought, "Hey, why shouldn't I do that too?" I was mildly depressed and sad that week because it would be the first holiday I didn't spend with my family. So I decided I would only eat plain mashed potatoes to fill me up and cranberries I had in the freezer that I was originally going to make cranberry sauce with. I did some research online that night and discovered the world of pro ana websites and support groups. I quickly joined those and began posting almost hourly from my computer, phone, any way I could get a hold of the internet about what I had eaten and how horrible I felt about it. This is where my downward spiral really began.

But what triggered all of this?

Obviously it wasn't just me watching that TV show thinking, "Oh, this could be fun!" That show was just the final straw, the thing that triggered me back into what had always been lingering in my mind. Depression and sadness definitely played a part that week, but the biggest aspect was how I felt my life had begun to spin out of control.

I had signed up for a study abroad program for the next semester and had just made my final payment the week before. I was now completely locked in and absolutely terrified because I had no control over what my future would bring. I was about to embark on a journey to a place I had never been and knew absolutely no one there. My way of feeling better about myself was to control my eating habits.

I dropped a noticeable amount of weight between Thanksgiving and when I went back home for winter break. So much so that my roommate, who was my best friend, was even mad because I would never eat. My family and friends commented and I couldn't help but smile inside; it meant I was doing something right and I was getting praise for it. I had roughly a month and a half from the time I got home to the time I left on my study abroad program. I would say I lost at least 1 1/2 times that of which I lost between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Even though I was still scared out of my mind, I boarded the plane having not eaten any solid food in over 2 days. That somehow made it all better.

The first few weeks of my program went amazingly well. I made friends extremely fast, got to know my new city, and was basically having the time of my life. Throughout the six months I was there I gained all of the weight that I had lost back, but I felt OK about it because I was having so much fun with my life.

When I came back home I was greeted with all the same stresses as when I left and quickly relapsed. In the last two years since then I have graduated college, found a job I love, and a man I love. But I still struggle every day in my head with numbers and calories and asking myself, "Do you really want to eat that?"

I am slowly recovering, and I can tell I'm not as affected by this as I once was, but there's always a little voice in the back of my mind thinking about what I could look like if I just cut that portion in half, or just skipped lunch this once. I have realized that this is something I will always struggle with, and really always have. The best I can do is try to overcome those thoughts and feelings and move on with the rest of my life.