the highschool starve and binge

I'm currently 16 years old. I've always noticed I'm the bigger one out of my friends (weighing about 125 lbs at 5'2").

I never used to count calories or cut back and diet. I'm on the varsity cheer squad as a sophomore for my school I get good grades and I'm an over all well rounded person. I have a supportive family and an awesome boyfriend.

Going out in public, being in front of a big crowd, and swimming was never a problem for me, until the summer of 2010. I got super busy with sports, academics, and this boy, and I wasn't eating regularly (probably once a day). I started loosing friends and gaining stress.

I started to lose some weight and I got a so-called "high" off it. My boyfriend became my main priority since he was the only one around that year. We planned days to go to the local pools and spend nights out in the town. I started to make myself even more busy so I wouldn't have time to eat. When the time came around to swim I got self conscious.

A couple months went by I found a new hobby I love ... running long distances. I started starving myself everyday. I skipped dinners with my family and would lie and say I'm eating with my boyfriend. When I was out with him I would refuse food at the restaurant.

I ran about 5 miles a day but never thought it was enough, so I'd exercise even more. I stepped on the scale every morning and wrote my weight down in my planner. I started to set weight goals at the beginning of each week.

My family and other people in my life started asking me what I'd eaten that day, whether I was hungry, or why wasn't I eating. I made up excuses constantly. When the weekends came around I started binge eating. I'd eat 2000 calories or even more, even if I wasn't hungry. Then once I went back to school I would starve myself.

This cycle went on for weeks, but I figured it was okay, I'd just eat as much or whatever I wanted one night then the next week I'll not eat at all to make up for it.

I dropped to 99 lbs. I still believed I was fat, even though none of my clothes fit. I started getting compliments and I loved it. On the days I was binge eating, i started to get depressed, I felt disappointment and sadness, and I felt like a failure.

My relationship with everyone around me start to crumble. I was grumpy on days I didn't eat. I stopped talking and lost my bubbly side. I lost my intimate and lovey side with my boyfriend. I was always freezing cold, even if it was hot outside. In gym class I would wear a hoodie out running, but I loved it deep inside because I knew the next morning I would lose a pound or two!

I was annoyed with everyone around me, and all I did was compare myself to others. I got frequent migraine headaches, lost my cheer leading ability, lost my period for a couple months, and lost some friends. I noticed I started to fall into a depression with food controlling my everyday life from the time I would go to sleep to when I got up first thing in the morning.

Today, in Dec. of 2010, I'm dealing with this still and I know its not going to go away. I stopped running because of the weather and I can't stand it. I stopped starving myself for the past month just because the binge eating has taken over. I eat all day long and constantly crave fatty, chocolaty, sweet foods.

My lowest weight was in the 90s, and now I'm at my heaviest weight, 135. I'm sad. I don't want to get help because I know I still want to lose weight - weighing at the most 95lbs next summer.

With the extra weight I'm more stressed than ever. My boyfriend and I fight a lot. Even he has started a diet, which doesn't help me. My family and I fight even more too.

I seem to be caught in a corner. I don't feel I can be happy until the number on the scale drops again. I'm still binge eating as well as starving myself for short periods. My weight isn't going anywhere, which i can't stand. I randomly will start crying and getting fussy over little things just because all that is on my mind is a food obsession.

As a young high schooler, I'd never thought I'd be like this. No one really understands what I face everyday. Most people think it's silly or don't even know what I go through. I tell myself "What's an eating disorder? I don't have an eating disorder?" I tell myself I'm fatter than then the girl standing next to me. I switched my wardrobe to hoodies and sweats not because I'm cold, but so people can't see I've gained weight.

I hate showing my insecurities, but I have just one that haunts me every second of the day.